When Autumn Arrives

Autumn is known to New Englanders as the most beautiful season. When I think of leaving this part of the world, I see those yellow, red, orange leaves, apple picking, pumpkin carving, every wonderful moment that come along with this time of year in Connecticut.

On a more trivial note, I happen to look much better in pants than I do in shorts.

This summer has been uncharacteristically frigid so far. I can only hope this means that autumn will arrive even sooner than usual. I’m already over the current season, and yet I have so much stress ahead of me that it’d be wiser to hold on to these last few weeks.

I keep on telling myself, “Only four months and you’ll know what your future looks like.” I’ll have my college decisions by then. But in between now and December are so many experiences. So many accomplishments and disappointments and new, exciting people to meet.

I’d be a fool to let that pass me by on account of a few envelopes.

Second week of whatever this is

I’ve had a week of feeling okay so far. It’s not much but it’s the longest I’ve gone this year. I haven’t had much anxiety or depression. No moments of complete breakdown. I just feel fine.

Right now, my main goals in life are to do well in my fall courses and get into a transfer school. It feels kind of strange knowing that I still have a full semester of courses that I could very well fail. Like why am I filling out applications when I don’t even know if I’m a strong candidate?

I have two courses, and they’re both within the computer science department. This is because a.) I enjoy comp sci, b.) I’m trying to switch my major, or at least add a minor, and c.) I have to compensate for the amount of liberal artsy courses I’ve taken.

But that’s not to say I’m completely ditching my art ambitions. I’m still taking Intro to Drawing, plus I signed up for a non-credit painting class at home.

I have to submit a portfolio to these colleges (or at least I want to) so I’ve been trying to produce some quality work. Here’s a painting I did this week, and the steps it took to finish it:

It feels strange to not have any emotional turmoil. To just go with the flow and stay optimistic. It’s not something I’m used to, so it’ll take time to feel comfortable like this. But I know it’s the right thing for me. I hope I hang on for week 2, then month 2, and so on! One day this will be my normal state of mind.

6 Reasons Why I Avoid Love

I’ve had opportunities for romance before. People I was attracted physically and emotionally who somehow felt the same way about me. And yet I have never taken the plunge and embarked on a relationship. Or rather, I have, but I ran away the second it began.

I used to think I had the fabled “fear of intimacy” many inadequate men are diagnosed with. Perhaps I was just a born heartbreaker, falling for people and dropping them abruptly, one after another. Perhaps I was too caught up in my own issues to let myself love another person.

But even after I had this realization, I found myself unable to remain in any sort of partnership. It just felt uncomfortable, invasive, wrong. I never felt I could play the role of girlfriend without having to act.

It took me a while, but I eventually looked back on my turbulent love life and discovered that I didn’t regret any of my hasty break-ups. They all felt like good decisions. So how could all these good decisions stem from emotional issues? Well, they don’t. I’m just not interested in all this romantic nonsense, at least not now.

If this sounds unfathomable to you, read on. Below is a list of reasons why I honestly prefer being alone. Or maybe you understand exactly what I’m talking about, which would be amazing because very few people do.

• Sleeping through the night with someone else in my bed is impossible. Even if I’m able to get physically comfortable, I still have to worry about them trying to “cuddle” with me (a.k.a. rudely disrupt my solitude with a hard, angular limb) or making noise in the middle of the night. Then I have to worry about being disruptive myself. Can I roll over again or is that obnoxious? Will it be gross if I blow my nose?

• I hate feeling somehow connected to someone else’s actions. Is he being an asshole? Great, that’s my boyfriend and everyone knows it. Is his music/writing/art embarrassingly awful? Well, I can’t say anything bad about it so I guess it reflects badly on me, too. I have enough to worry about just being myself, I don’t want to feel responsible for my partner.

• Staying in contact on a regular basis feels like a chore. My best friend knows it’s okay if we go a week or two without talking. Even if a month goes by, we know it’s just because we’re both busy, and we’ll pick up right where we left off. But with a significant other, there’s usually an expectation of daily communication. I guess I could meet someone who’s ok with losing touch for a bit, but I’d probably get worried about them too, which brings me to my next point.

• There can only be one. Friendships are great because there’s no limit to how many or how few you can have. Me, I choose to stick with three at most. Sometimes they’re friends with each other, sometimes they’ve never met. Feelings rarely get hurt because there’s no commitment. Friendships begin and end without any fanfare. Romantic relationships? It has to be one person (I’m not interested in polyamory) and when it ends, it’s dramatic.

• Relationships impact your decision-making. In the beginning, people tend to get a little crazy, thinking they’ve met their soulmate and that they’ll be together forever. I know this because I’ve been there, skipping class and blowing people off just to stay in bed all day with that special person. Even later in the relationship, people can’t just leave town; they’ve got to think about how the relationship is going to work. And don’t even get me started on long-distance…

• There are more possibilities when I’m single. I can go out with anyone (or I can stay home all day). Who knows what will happen? I can feel passion, excitement, heartbreak whenever they come my way, and I don’t have to change my life around to do it. I prefer maintaining my independence while taking on the world. It gives me so much more to feel and think and write about.

I could go on and on about why I love being single, but I’ll save that for another time. I think this is a pretty solid explanation of my thought process when I get dangerously close to a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that natural lonely desire for love once in a while, but it doesn’t take me long to realize that it wouldn’t be fulfilling. I’m doing perfectly fine alone.

Something I never thought I’d say

I’m honestly kind of afraid to say it, for fear that it’s only temporary, and I’ll feel silly a week from now. But I think I’m starting to feel happy. I’ve been consistently depressed for over a year now.

This was painful, crippling depression, compounded by the fact that I’ve had absolutely nothing to do. It’s hard to get out of your head when you have no reason to even leave the house.

This week has been really nice. Not manic, crazy, fantastic nice but just pleasant. It started when I found my diary, which I’d lost a month ago. I’ve kept this diary for two years and it holds a lot of really important information. I thought I’d never see it again.

When I found it, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could actually work on myself. Here’s what I’ve done over the past week to help myself:

• Had a friend from out of state come visit me.I haven’t seen any friends since April. We took the train into the city with my dog.
• I stayed late at my painting class to work on my landscape. I ended up standing at my easel for over five hours!
• I got a head start on my college essays. One down, ten to go!
• I’ve lost the last few pounds and I haven’t binged at all. I’ve also been able to work on cooking without eating all the ingredients…

Overall, I have a positive outlook on my future. My class schedule is all set for the fall and I’m totally fine with living in Connecticut. I’ll have a lot to work on, what with my computer science courses and endless college applications. Not to mention that I have to build an art portfolio by taking a few art classes.

I just hope that this feeling, or lack of awful feelings, can last me a while. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to go about my life without having to constantly maintain my mental health. I just want to let go and not have everything come crashing down around me.

Minor disappointment, major doubt

I spent some time yesterday making this simple little weekday schedule. For once, it felt like I actually had a plan for my life, or at least enough of one to justify an Adobe Illustrator document.

 

 

 

 

Then a girl I knew in college wrote that she needed a third roommate for an apartment in Brooklyn. Part of the reason I moved back home was that I couldn’t stand random Craigslist people scamming me out of time and money. This would solve that problem.

I got really excited about it and called my mom. We both agreed that this would be a great choice for me. I could be around people my age and not have to commute to the city from Connecticut. So I told the girl and she said we have to sign the lease tomorrow. Great, I’m in.

Oh wait, never mind. Someone else just signed for the apartment so they don’t need a roommate anymore.

Now I’m left feeling more conflicted than ever. Do I keep searching for that elusive reasonably priced, dog-friendly, drama-free apartment within 30 minutes of my school? Or do I give up on that and go back to my initial plan which was to just suck it up and live with my parents for a semester?

I think at this point I’ll just stay home. No use in complicating things by paying rent and moving somewhere new, only to move back after four months, right? I’m making a good decision here, right?

The Perfect Day Challenge

You can learn a lot about yourself and your goals by planning the perfect day. Then apply that knowledge to a week. Then to a month. Then to the next year.

My perfect day was yesterday. My mom was out of town so I had the whole house to myself. Just me and my dog. I woke up at 7:30, took him out for a walk, and ate breakfast.

Then I headed upstairs to set up my new recording equipment. I laid down the instrumental and vocal portions before taking a break for lunch. After editing it all together and releasing it on Soundcloud, we headed to the dog park.

I love the dog park because it gives us both a chance to socialize. I trained my dog then ended up talking to a couple I’d seen there a few times. They’re really nice and supportive of me, for some reason. We talked about my experience in college and what I’m planning for my time off.

I came home and watched my show on Netflix while cooking dinner, then I chatted with my best friend in Hawaii and worked on my computer until I fell asleep.

The only thing that would’ve made the day better would’ve been my painting class, which is unfortunately only one day a week. Oh and maybe some exercise would’ve made me feel a bit better.

There are a few things I can learn about myself through this:

1. I value alone time above everything else
2. Creative work boosts my self esteem and helps me live in the moment
3. I can handle short, controlled social situations
4. Maintaining a few consistent relationships is highly rewarding

So for my next year, I’m applying the above principles by:

1. Not living with roommates
2. Taking art courses and staying productive with my music
3. Leaving a big university and applying to small colleges
4. Staying in touch with my best friend while trying to make new ones

Breaking down my whole future into one little day made it a lot less daunting for me to take on. I don’t know, give it a try! It’s just something I thought of while stressing about my life.

Making Progress

A few days ago, I wrote about some goals I had to avoid a seemingly imminent depression. Well, I’m making progress.

I’ve been using a pedometer to track my steps, and I’m reaching about 10,000 every day. I go for two jogs (one with the puppy and one alone) and one long walk. I’ve also made a food plan and I’ve found it really easy to stick to that.

Honestly, I don’t have bad eating habits in general. I just binge like crazy once in a while, which is frustrating considering how healthy I usually am. What’s stopping me from binging is realizing that eating is a temporary joy. I have to find hobbies with longterm benefits.

It also helps for me to plan something to do after a meal, so I’m not sitting at the counter nibbling aimlessly for an hour. Even if it’s responding to an email or taking the dog out to pee, having a task keeps me moving forward.

In terms of mental progress, my mom and I have started a book club together. We only see each other once a week, so we pick a book and both read it and discuss it. That’s another positive thing for me to do with my time.

Now that I’ve established a healthier routine, I’ve found my mind wandering to the next challenge. I still need to fix my fall schedule, which has been stressing me out because it’s the last semester before I apply to transfer. I keep thinking I’ll pick the wrong courses and end up rejected.

The Common Application is released in two days, then it’s time to start working on that. I’ll have three months to finish it, which should be plenty of time. I’m sure I’ll find some way to make it stressful, though!

Getting Back on Track

In my last post, I wrote about my depression and feelings of hopelessness about this period in my life. I’ve reflected a lot on those feelings, talked it out with my family, and come to the conclusion that I need to make a change quickly, before I get permanently stuck.

I’m a very analytical person, so I started by returning to my chart-making ways. Currently, there is a big white piece of paper hanging in my living room with my name at the top and a bunch of little boxes to fill up with my progress. I’m hoping that having it public, rather than on my phone, will help me stay accountable. Here’s what I’m working on:

• Eating healthy again. I’ve gained almost 10 pounds in the past few months. I don’t like the way I look and I don’t like the way I’m treating myself.

• Getting back in shape. I’m sick and tired of sitting on the couch all day. I’m committing to 10,000 steps daily and a few different activities every week.

• Making music. When I moved out of my last apartment, I left a box there to pick up the next day. Unfortunately, I was never able to get that box because no one responded to my texts (classic NYC roommate situation). In that box was my one and only microphone, with which I’ve recorded all of my songs. I’m getting a new one this month.

• Improving my artwork. I picked up oil painting a few weeks ago and, although I enjoy it, it takes a lot of time to set up. I’d love to start painting on a regular basis to see how much better I can get!

Accomplishing even one of these goals would be a huge step in the right direction. So let’s see how I do. I’ll update with my progress if/when I have any.

Not much to report

Life is dull at this point. It’s been pretty much the same for the past year. I sit around and eat and use the computer and go to sleep and try again the next morning. It’s a little bit different now because I have a dog and I spend some time each day training him.

I’ve been thinking about when this period of my life will end. This period of boredom, loneliness, depression. It seems like the solution keeps getting further and further away. I probably won’t start at a new college until over a year from now. Until then, I’ll live with my parents in Connecticut.

I’m not sure most people understand how difficult it is to make friends outside of a community environment. Without your school or work friends, how many friends would you have? Not many, I’d guess. So how do you meet people when you’re young and disconnected?

I suppose people like me either slip into a depression and waste their lives, or throw themselves into solitary work. I’m in between those two. I work on art or music every few days, then spend the rest of my time coasting along. How strange to have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Not that my life is terrible, just that it probably won’t change at all for the next year.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t completely given up. I’m taking a painting class now and I’d like to start recreational sports again. But I feel like I’m missing out on making friends in college, which is where a lot of 18 year olds are.

I guess all I can do is keep waking up in the morning, hoping things will get better.

 

Getting out of here…again

I’ve been living in New York City this month for my summer classes. It sounded like a great idea when I decided on it. Being surrounded by peers, going back to school, and being forced to finally get out of the house–what’s not to love?

Well, so far it’s been pretty depressing. Maybe because I’m pretty depressed already, but I also think I arrived with a good attitude and gave up over time.

I was naïve in thinking this would be different from the rest of my college experience. It’s just as difficult to make friends as it was during the academic year. Except now I don’t have as much coursework to distract myself.

My current schedule is as follows:

• Wake up
• Go to class for an hour
• Eat lunch
• Sit in my room for five hours
• Eat dinner
• Sit in my room for five hours
• Go to sleep

I feel like I’m going insane. I’m weeks ahead in my coursework just because I’ve had nothing better to do! Sometimes I go to the gym for a half hour but otherwise I barely move.

It was difficult to let go of the idea that this would somehow be different. But over the weekend, I went home to Connecticut and decided to leave the dorms. I’m going to commute to class from home. This means I don’t have to pay rent, plus I get to adopt my dog a month sooner!

So I’ve got one week of class, one week in Brazil with my dad, then one last week of class before I get my dog. I’m meeting one this weekend at an adoption event. If she’s as wonderful as I think she is, I’ll sign the forms and she’ll keep living in her foster home until I’m ready. I just have to trudge through this boredom and solitude first.